i would rather

 

I would rather pass my days lying in the middle of dirt roads staring at the full moon with a bottle of liquor in my hands. I would rather have kids when it suits me not when the world expects me to or throws out "shoulds" I would rather live in a hammock on a beach for 6 months and write my souls story them make 40 grand a year and be comfy I would rather be horribly broke at times, than married to a job because a mortgage payment has my ass on a hook. I would rather own moments, than investments. I would rather eat alone, than sit with women who bore me at “Wives’ Night.” I would rather swim naked with bioluminescence, have it fall like fireflies from my hair, my breasts, my back. I would rather do handstands naked in the moonlight when no one’s watching than pick bridesmaid dresses. I would rather drink seven year old rum from a sandy bottle, smell of smoke and ash than sit in church. I would rather learn from life than rack up debt, in a desk. I would rather drink the ocean, again and again—celebrate being madly alive. I would rather my love be defined by love itself, and nothing more or less. I don’t need a ring on my finger to prove that I am in love. I would rather take the chicken bus, than spend useless money in safe gated communities. Sit beside a goat, listen to raggaeton and eat green mango with sugar in a plastic bag sold from the woman who harasses the bus each time it stops. I do not need a degree to prove that I am intelligent. I do not need to own a piece of earth with some wood on top of it—to feel successful. No one truly owns the land, anyway—we just think we do. My savings account has diddly to do with my richness. I would rather sprawl my single ass out like a lioness each morning and enjoy each corner of my empty bed. I will take a job I love and freedom over a pension, any day. I will not work and work and work to live when my body is old and I am tired. Stocks are for people who get boners from money. Not everyone should have kids, and my eggs aren’t expiring. I will not drink the societal Kool-Aid on a bus, nor will I drink it on a train. Not on a plane, with a goat, in the rain, in the dark, in a tree, with a fox, in a box! I will not jump through societies’ hoops and red tape, the treasure hunt in the rat race we chase. If we must have milestones—mine will be measured by how much joy I have collected at the end of each day and how often in this life I have truly, deeply, opened. Seek, see, love, do.

Restless.

I am so fhajsdfhasj lately. i feel like my mind is pulling me in fifty different directions and my heart is pulling me after him. and i have to remind myself that I have this path im on and my focus has to be inward and self prospective and not based on anyone else right now. I don't know if it was because mercury was in retrograde or if it was the stress of the move or a combination of the both of those things but lately I have been so scrambled. I can barely keep my thoughts in line and have taken up carrying around my little notebook in my purse so i can write things down as they come to mind.

 

nothing bad has really happened, i actually have found myself happier and more content with my life lately then I have in years so I dont know what the issue is.

 

i have to remind myself to slow down and breathe specially when my mind starts to run away on me.

anyways i dont know what else to say right now my head is spinning too fast to get out a decent thought aha will write more once it calms down

 

I need to start stabilizing my posts - think of a topic and write on that. or just write maybe I just need to write like I used to.



everyday I understand my purpose with greater clarity

 

 

I have always clung onto the feeling of security. with my mom it was the fact that I always had a home, a place to be, food, money, safety.. safety. i had someone who loved me unconditionally. with chelone it was the feeling of being desirable or being wanted, needed sometimes. the power i had over his emotions.. that was security to me.

 

its so messed up thinking about it now.

 

when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, it being already stage four and no cure in sight i started to grieve... not her but the loss of her.. which now im enlightened enough to know i was grieving my eventual loss of the security she granted me. four months after I found out she was dying, chelone died.. when he died my bottom fell out... i lost my ability to love. I closed off completely.. I never thought i would love again and more then that i felt that i was not worthy of love. 7 months after he passed away and my mom passed.. and my earth shattered. nothing made sense. who was I without my mom? i felt completely alone. thats the only way I can describe it.. I know i wasnt the only one grieving her loss but i felt it solely and completely on my own. and I struggled with that. eventually caving into my self destruction and wound up in the hospital for a good lengthy stay. i was ashamed of that.... but now im not.

 

i needed to break completely to begin to rebuild.

ive hated myself for the past almost three years. i hated how i wasn't driven, that i didnt know who i was, or what i wanted.

i hated that i thought my salvation lied in chelones love, in my moms love. because it really didnt... my salvation lies in my ability to love myself.

 

im no where near where i want to be, but im getting there. im studying my level one reiki as well as energy healing. i am going to yoga 5 times a week i practice mindful meditation daily... and ive let go of toxic relationships and friendships. fully. and that's been hard because i like to see the best in everyone and i like to help people which usually led me to being walked on and abused.

 

i want to help people

i want to give people peace

i want to continue to maintain my own peace

my heart is open

im allowing myself to be loved

i am loving

and i feel good

 

"have i always loved you, have i always known" 

i dont know where to start.

I havent really wrote anything in awhile

my mind has literally been in a million different places.

between work, and moving and finding more work and a new relationship and seeing my best friend daily and not sleeping enough everything has been hectic

but im starting to find my roots and my energy has balanced out so im here again.

hi

how have you been?

i moved to Calgary a week ago yesterday. I turned 29 on friday ooph.

i started schooling Monday to become a reiki master and energy healer. massage therapist and reflexologist will follow suit soon.

ever since i was little i was a nurturer

my mom always bought me baby dolls because i wanted to take care of something.

and all my life Ive mistaken that need to nurture for my want of a child a family that love.

and it isnt that all

Ive recently discovered that my need to nurture has come from a place of wanting to heal.

I don't want people to hurt.

to suffer

I want to help people

i always felt so out of sync with life when i was being hateful and hurtful and lately ive felt sooo calm, overwhelmed with the energy work ive been experiencing but calm.

my family wouldn't understand this

its all about medicine with them

go to the doctors, get a prescription, over medicate, don't feel, dont think, don't hurt.

thats the last thing  your spirit needs

you need to feel pain you need to grow through it

specially when it comes to depression or loss of a loved one.

you have to feel all that.

when chelone came out to see me in Banff he had a seizure. and he asked me to hold his toes... little did he know that, holding his toes is a reflexology method it helps the flow of positive energy from your root chakra to your crown chakra... i know he knew it helped his chi but its so much more.

i am a firm believer in physics I went to catholic schools my whole life and kind of poopoo'd the ideas of god healing.. i knew the world was too vast and brilliant to be created in 3 days.

i cant imagine the stars being born from anything but science

when chelone died, and when my mom died i struggled with the fact that they were such dynamic people that how can two people with such dynamic energy just cease to exist when I was taught through physics that energy cannot be created nor destroyed that's basic knowledge

this adventure through energy healing makes total sense to me through a scientific view.

i haven't been more content with my life and my journey until now

i know who I am

what my purpose is

and im content in it

i cant wait to continue to grow through it and eventually help people