everyday I understand my purpose with greater clarity

 

 

I have always clung onto the feeling of security. with my mom it was the fact that I always had a home, a place to be, food, money, safety.. safety. i had someone who loved me unconditionally. with chelone it was the feeling of being desirable or being wanted, needed sometimes. the power i had over his emotions.. that was security to me.

 

its so messed up thinking about it now.

 

when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, it being already stage four and no cure in sight i started to grieve... not her but the loss of her.. which now im enlightened enough to know i was grieving my eventual loss of the security she granted me. four months after I found out she was dying, chelone died.. when he died my bottom fell out... i lost my ability to love. I closed off completely.. I never thought i would love again and more then that i felt that i was not worthy of love. 7 months after he passed away and my mom passed.. and my earth shattered. nothing made sense. who was I without my mom? i felt completely alone. thats the only way I can describe it.. I know i wasnt the only one grieving her loss but i felt it solely and completely on my own. and I struggled with that. eventually caving into my self destruction and wound up in the hospital for a good lengthy stay. i was ashamed of that.... but now im not.

 

i needed to break completely to begin to rebuild.

ive hated myself for the past almost three years. i hated how i wasn't driven, that i didnt know who i was, or what i wanted.

i hated that i thought my salvation lied in chelones love, in my moms love. because it really didnt... my salvation lies in my ability to love myself.

 

im no where near where i want to be, but im getting there. im studying my level one reiki as well as energy healing. i am going to yoga 5 times a week i practice mindful meditation daily... and ive let go of toxic relationships and friendships. fully. and that's been hard because i like to see the best in everyone and i like to help people which usually led me to being walked on and abused.

 

i want to help people

i want to give people peace

i want to continue to maintain my own peace

my heart is open

im allowing myself to be loved

i am loving

and i feel good

 

"have i always loved you, have i always known"