i would rather

 

I would rather pass my days lying in the middle of dirt roads staring at the full moon with a bottle of liquor in my hands. I would rather have kids when it suits me not when the world expects me to or throws out "shoulds" I would rather live in a hammock on a beach for 6 months and write my souls story them make 40 grand a year and be comfy I would rather be horribly broke at times, than married to a job because a mortgage payment has my ass on a hook. I would rather own moments, than investments. I would rather eat alone, than sit with women who bore me at “Wives’ Night.” I would rather swim naked with bioluminescence, have it fall like fireflies from my hair, my breasts, my back. I would rather do handstands naked in the moonlight when no one’s watching than pick bridesmaid dresses. I would rather drink seven year old rum from a sandy bottle, smell of smoke and ash than sit in church. I would rather learn from life than rack up debt, in a desk. I would rather drink the ocean, again and again—celebrate being madly alive. I would rather my love be defined by love itself, and nothing more or less. I don’t need a ring on my finger to prove that I am in love. I would rather take the chicken bus, than spend useless money in safe gated communities. Sit beside a goat, listen to raggaeton and eat green mango with sugar in a plastic bag sold from the woman who harasses the bus each time it stops. I do not need a degree to prove that I am intelligent. I do not need to own a piece of earth with some wood on top of it—to feel successful. No one truly owns the land, anyway—we just think we do. My savings account has diddly to do with my richness. I would rather sprawl my single ass out like a lioness each morning and enjoy each corner of my empty bed. I will take a job I love and freedom over a pension, any day. I will not work and work and work to live when my body is old and I am tired. Stocks are for people who get boners from money. Not everyone should have kids, and my eggs aren’t expiring. I will not drink the societal Kool-Aid on a bus, nor will I drink it on a train. Not on a plane, with a goat, in the rain, in the dark, in a tree, with a fox, in a box! I will not jump through societies’ hoops and red tape, the treasure hunt in the rat race we chase. If we must have milestones—mine will be measured by how much joy I have collected at the end of each day and how often in this life I have truly, deeply, opened. Seek, see, love, do.

Restless.

I am so fhajsdfhasj lately. i feel like my mind is pulling me in fifty different directions and my heart is pulling me after him. and i have to remind myself that I have this path im on and my focus has to be inward and self prospective and not based on anyone else right now. I don't know if it was because mercury was in retrograde or if it was the stress of the move or a combination of the both of those things but lately I have been so scrambled. I can barely keep my thoughts in line and have taken up carrying around my little notebook in my purse so i can write things down as they come to mind.

 

nothing bad has really happened, i actually have found myself happier and more content with my life lately then I have in years so I dont know what the issue is.

 

i have to remind myself to slow down and breathe specially when my mind starts to run away on me.

anyways i dont know what else to say right now my head is spinning too fast to get out a decent thought aha will write more once it calms down

 

I need to start stabilizing my posts - think of a topic and write on that. or just write maybe I just need to write like I used to.



everyday I understand my purpose with greater clarity

 

 

I have always clung onto the feeling of security. with my mom it was the fact that I always had a home, a place to be, food, money, safety.. safety. i had someone who loved me unconditionally. with chelone it was the feeling of being desirable or being wanted, needed sometimes. the power i had over his emotions.. that was security to me.

 

its so messed up thinking about it now.

 

when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, it being already stage four and no cure in sight i started to grieve... not her but the loss of her.. which now im enlightened enough to know i was grieving my eventual loss of the security she granted me. four months after I found out she was dying, chelone died.. when he died my bottom fell out... i lost my ability to love. I closed off completely.. I never thought i would love again and more then that i felt that i was not worthy of love. 7 months after he passed away and my mom passed.. and my earth shattered. nothing made sense. who was I without my mom? i felt completely alone. thats the only way I can describe it.. I know i wasnt the only one grieving her loss but i felt it solely and completely on my own. and I struggled with that. eventually caving into my self destruction and wound up in the hospital for a good lengthy stay. i was ashamed of that.... but now im not.

 

i needed to break completely to begin to rebuild.

ive hated myself for the past almost three years. i hated how i wasn't driven, that i didnt know who i was, or what i wanted.

i hated that i thought my salvation lied in chelones love, in my moms love. because it really didnt... my salvation lies in my ability to love myself.

 

im no where near where i want to be, but im getting there. im studying my level one reiki as well as energy healing. i am going to yoga 5 times a week i practice mindful meditation daily... and ive let go of toxic relationships and friendships. fully. and that's been hard because i like to see the best in everyone and i like to help people which usually led me to being walked on and abused.

 

i want to help people

i want to give people peace

i want to continue to maintain my own peace

my heart is open

im allowing myself to be loved

i am loving

and i feel good

 

"have i always loved you, have i always known" 

i dont know where to start.

I havent really wrote anything in awhile

my mind has literally been in a million different places.

between work, and moving and finding more work and a new relationship and seeing my best friend daily and not sleeping enough everything has been hectic

but im starting to find my roots and my energy has balanced out so im here again.

hi

how have you been?

i moved to Calgary a week ago yesterday. I turned 29 on friday ooph.

i started schooling Monday to become a reiki master and energy healer. massage therapist and reflexologist will follow suit soon.

ever since i was little i was a nurturer

my mom always bought me baby dolls because i wanted to take care of something.

and all my life Ive mistaken that need to nurture for my want of a child a family that love.

and it isnt that all

Ive recently discovered that my need to nurture has come from a place of wanting to heal.

I don't want people to hurt.

to suffer

I want to help people

i always felt so out of sync with life when i was being hateful and hurtful and lately ive felt sooo calm, overwhelmed with the energy work ive been experiencing but calm.

my family wouldn't understand this

its all about medicine with them

go to the doctors, get a prescription, over medicate, don't feel, dont think, don't hurt.

thats the last thing  your spirit needs

you need to feel pain you need to grow through it

specially when it comes to depression or loss of a loved one.

you have to feel all that.

when chelone came out to see me in Banff he had a seizure. and he asked me to hold his toes... little did he know that, holding his toes is a reflexology method it helps the flow of positive energy from your root chakra to your crown chakra... i know he knew it helped his chi but its so much more.

i am a firm believer in physics I went to catholic schools my whole life and kind of poopoo'd the ideas of god healing.. i knew the world was too vast and brilliant to be created in 3 days.

i cant imagine the stars being born from anything but science

when chelone died, and when my mom died i struggled with the fact that they were such dynamic people that how can two people with such dynamic energy just cease to exist when I was taught through physics that energy cannot be created nor destroyed that's basic knowledge

this adventure through energy healing makes total sense to me through a scientific view.

i haven't been more content with my life and my journey until now

i know who I am

what my purpose is

and im content in it

i cant wait to continue to grow through it and eventually help people 

on rushing into things with my eyes closed

I have got to be the most impatient person in the history of ever. ive been home from calgary for 2 days and in those two days I have done nothing... really though. tomorrow I move to Calgary with a moving company and i haven't cleaned or packed ANYTHING yet because i have been so busy trying to do other things.

 

its ridiculous.

 

I always put myself into situations where im crunched for time and while patience is a virtue thats the one thing ive always lacked. today i have to confirm my moving company, book my plane ticket so i can move to calgary with my cat, get in touch with the condo board so i can book the elevator for tomorrow for the moving company, oh by a pet carrier so i can fly with my pets, and banking I have a lot of banking OH and I have to call my current landlord and tell him im moving tomorrow and that he needs to come and get next months rent from me today... shit. so much to do so little time ahaha.

oh god cant forget to get my internet and cable moved
get my forwarding address hooked up for my mail
annnnnddd call to get electricity hooked up.  

 

not to mention i have to pack my entire house.

entireeeeee house.

yep

plus I have to be here for 2:30 pm because someone is coming to pick up my bird....

 

and i have to pack my entire house

 

I have a feeling a lot of stuff is getting thrown out.

 

I don't really have a slow down button I don't like planning I just do it all at once... usually that bites me in the ass so hopefully this time it wont. oh jesus ahaha



tattoos.

I demand your strength,

I will not let you be less!

YOU ARE ALWAYS MORE..

 

ive been looking at tattoos lately

mainly a memorial one for my mom

she hated tattoos aha like despised them

and yet here I am looking to immortalize her forever in a form of art that she hated

I love it aha

my mom called me her "little bitch" out of love it was her nickname for me because I had super firey temper and I was a lippy kid

so that would completely be the "little bitch" thing to do.

shes probably hating the idea and standing behind me as I type this cursing my future aha

but whatever

"hi madre"

anyways ive been thinking of designs.

I wanted something in her handwriting, she always wrote me notes and really awesome meaningful emails and birthday cards and one thing she always told me was "i will not let you be a puddle" as in I will not let you sit and wallow in your grief, she reminded me that puddles were made to be splashed in and not bathed in.

then I was also thinking of getting her birthday in Ukrainian on the back of my neck

or the "Diana" constellation on my ribs. her name was diane and she was a warrior I tell yah aha

or personalize a mandala as my mom was into that spiritual shit in the end

I don't know

tattoos are funny

I never wanted them and now that I have a few small ones I want more.

nothing crazy and obviously easily hidden because despite my fuck you attitude im still pretty conservative

I just know I want one.

I miss her somedays

well everyday

 

 

 

 



just need to write

man its been a rough rough rough two years.

i spent the majority of the past two years treading water

just when i thought i was close to the shore and could put my feet down and stand that rip tide would just yank me back out deep.

 

I stayed in a really toxic relationship with chilly for longer then I needed too.. and I used to say he was a shit boyfriend and yah he cheated and that's never okay but I chose to stay. I put up with it. and honestly despite the cheating and the shit that caused it was a good friendship.. he taught me more then anything and I know he loved me in his own little way. I have thousands of texts from him still that I cant delete and pictures and videos and emails and his shirt that I sleep in and man his legacy is huge so I just have google chilly miller theres more...he gave me the greatest gift and I will always always be thankful for that. his death was hard because it was sudden I remember the fight we had the night he died our last conversation he had this way of bringing me back in and even though we knew we couldn't be together we had a huge amount of chemistry and our fights were passionate our love was passionate.. our love was passionate.. and that last night i got that last love you and then found out he died 24 hours later. its rough but i don't really dwell as much on it anymore i cant because his death is that riptide and im not a strong swimmer not when it comes to him 

 

my moms death was a lot harder.. she wouldn't let me come home when she was going through treatments my family says because i stressed her out my step dad said it was because she didn't want me to sit and watch her die because were so close.. i don't know who to believe it breaks my heart because my mom and i were best friends and so close. shes been that real support since i was born she  never left my side and i never left hers. but her death was hard.. i found out she had cancer the night of January 29 2013 that's the day before my birthday i had just moved out to lake louise to start a snowboarding adventure and i was celebrating my birthday that night i remember i found out she had cancer and i got black out drunk.. ended up in one of the guests beds at the hostel i worked at we didn't do anything but yah that night was a mess that year was a self destructive year i tried to hold it together but im sure i cried everyday and when my mom and step dad came out to visit me in august of that year the cancer had unknowingly spread to her brain and it was bad she couldn't remember anything she wasn't my mom but you could see her fighting to be normal to hold it together she was on oxygen then and had to be rushed home to the hospital because the tumor was pressing on a part of her brain thankfully she got radiation and that extended her life for another 3 months. well 2 and bit months. watching my mom die, seeing the life slip out of her, watching her try to breathe and not be able to... everyone says it was so peaceful and maybe it was but seeing someone so strong slip away like that wasn't peaceful to me i was screaming inside and begging god to just stop it and then it stopped and we had an hour before the dr came and pronounced her dead i remember her hands were always so cold always even before the cancer and i just remember sitting there with her in my private time with her body before she left and just holding her hands willing them to get warm she looked asleep not dead anyways that was that. i didn't get time to grieve i had to move out the next day and spent a month with my aunt and uncle and little cousins i couldn't cry around them because they are little kids and you don't do that to kids. and then i moved into my house and started working exactly a month after she died, while my step dad grieved and my brother grieved i worked and i pushed myself to get out of bed to not cry to not care to not fight to not scream

to live.

 

and then this summer rolled around and i started to die.

I was ready to drown a few times

stared death down literally almost died September 19th because of some gnarly choices and was ready too

i remember feeling my heart slow down it was beating so hard but so slow

and i was trying to walk and it felt like my legs were shin deep in mud

and i thought damn it im gonna die on my grandmas driveway

i don't remember anything after that until i woke up in the hospital the next day

spent 19 days in the hospital

for the record i technically had a heart attack

and i spent those 19 days being over medicated and pushed to recover

 

and i recovered. although that's been a fight

i forgot who i was for a long time... everything was taken from me when chilly died and then my mom

everything.

but i gained a lot

i took care of myself for the first time paid all my own bills and had a good job and was quiet and kept my mouth shut and didn't fight and didn't yell and didn't hurt anyone

i behaved

 

but that's not me. im a quiet chick always have been (unless your my best friends aha ash and Noelle know different)

but im a scrappy little thing i fight for what i want, i don't like being censored i say what i want and i don't give a shit who takes offense to it

although now ive learnt to speak my mind without being offensive.

and ive given up my familys dream for me. and you cannot even imagine how GOOD that feels

im not that girl that's gonna get married

live in this small town

and work a 9-5

i want to travel and see places and work doing something i love everyday

i don't want to worry about money or marriage or being responsible for anyone elses happiness but my own

i spent my whole life worrying about what everyone thought of me even when i ran off to whistler, mammoth, Banff, lake louise wherever i always worried about who i was hurting in my family who i was letting down

but my mom was never let down. she loved me unconditionally no matter what a fucked up mess i was

so fuck family expectations i mean that in the most loving way possible i love my family so dearly but this is my life

i might not work at a bank or be a doctor

i am so stoked to work in a skate shop i loved spending my days waxing snowboards and merchandising and dressing kooks that didn't skate but wanted to look like it aha i loved that job and im stoked to do it again

i might not be making 100 grand a year but im set up my mom made sure of that so fuck money

im living my life to be happy that's in the mountains, on my snowboard, downtown Calgary, with my best friend Ashley and my boo by my side.

 

it sucks to say this but if my family cant get behind me on that

then im done fighting to impress them

 

i saw something tonight for the second time and this person said don't stop doing something ever... and im not getting into what it was or what was said but it just stoked me out

im gonna live my life and its gonna be fuckin rad

i don't skate but im gonna snowboard till i cant no more and when i move down south im gonna surf everyday even if its shit

that's the life ive always lived you cant put me into the same box my mom was in i cant be her she was way too good and way too strong and way too everything

just because i look like her doesn't mean i am her

doesn't mean i can be her

 

im so stoked for the future... this one little speech got me stoked.

im not drowning anymore im not treading water

im paddling out

because in order surf the largest waves one must first lose sight of the shore

that's my mission

big waves

gnarly life