just need to write

man its been a rough rough rough two years.

i spent the majority of the past two years treading water

just when i thought i was close to the shore and could put my feet down and stand that rip tide would just yank me back out deep.

 

I stayed in a really toxic relationship with chilly for longer then I needed too.. and I used to say he was a shit boyfriend and yah he cheated and that's never okay but I chose to stay. I put up with it. and honestly despite the cheating and the shit that caused it was a good friendship.. he taught me more then anything and I know he loved me in his own little way. I have thousands of texts from him still that I cant delete and pictures and videos and emails and his shirt that I sleep in and man his legacy is huge so I just have google chilly miller theres more...he gave me the greatest gift and I will always always be thankful for that. his death was hard because it was sudden I remember the fight we had the night he died our last conversation he had this way of bringing me back in and even though we knew we couldn't be together we had a huge amount of chemistry and our fights were passionate our love was passionate.. our love was passionate.. and that last night i got that last love you and then found out he died 24 hours later. its rough but i don't really dwell as much on it anymore i cant because his death is that riptide and im not a strong swimmer not when it comes to him 

 

my moms death was a lot harder.. she wouldn't let me come home when she was going through treatments my family says because i stressed her out my step dad said it was because she didn't want me to sit and watch her die because were so close.. i don't know who to believe it breaks my heart because my mom and i were best friends and so close. shes been that real support since i was born she  never left my side and i never left hers. but her death was hard.. i found out she had cancer the night of January 29 2013 that's the day before my birthday i had just moved out to lake louise to start a snowboarding adventure and i was celebrating my birthday that night i remember i found out she had cancer and i got black out drunk.. ended up in one of the guests beds at the hostel i worked at we didn't do anything but yah that night was a mess that year was a self destructive year i tried to hold it together but im sure i cried everyday and when my mom and step dad came out to visit me in august of that year the cancer had unknowingly spread to her brain and it was bad she couldn't remember anything she wasn't my mom but you could see her fighting to be normal to hold it together she was on oxygen then and had to be rushed home to the hospital because the tumor was pressing on a part of her brain thankfully she got radiation and that extended her life for another 3 months. well 2 and bit months. watching my mom die, seeing the life slip out of her, watching her try to breathe and not be able to... everyone says it was so peaceful and maybe it was but seeing someone so strong slip away like that wasn't peaceful to me i was screaming inside and begging god to just stop it and then it stopped and we had an hour before the dr came and pronounced her dead i remember her hands were always so cold always even before the cancer and i just remember sitting there with her in my private time with her body before she left and just holding her hands willing them to get warm she looked asleep not dead anyways that was that. i didn't get time to grieve i had to move out the next day and spent a month with my aunt and uncle and little cousins i couldn't cry around them because they are little kids and you don't do that to kids. and then i moved into my house and started working exactly a month after she died, while my step dad grieved and my brother grieved i worked and i pushed myself to get out of bed to not cry to not care to not fight to not scream

to live.

 

and then this summer rolled around and i started to die.

I was ready to drown a few times

stared death down literally almost died September 19th because of some gnarly choices and was ready too

i remember feeling my heart slow down it was beating so hard but so slow

and i was trying to walk and it felt like my legs were shin deep in mud

and i thought damn it im gonna die on my grandmas driveway

i don't remember anything after that until i woke up in the hospital the next day

spent 19 days in the hospital

for the record i technically had a heart attack

and i spent those 19 days being over medicated and pushed to recover

 

and i recovered. although that's been a fight

i forgot who i was for a long time... everything was taken from me when chilly died and then my mom

everything.

but i gained a lot

i took care of myself for the first time paid all my own bills and had a good job and was quiet and kept my mouth shut and didn't fight and didn't yell and didn't hurt anyone

i behaved

 

but that's not me. im a quiet chick always have been (unless your my best friends aha ash and Noelle know different)

but im a scrappy little thing i fight for what i want, i don't like being censored i say what i want and i don't give a shit who takes offense to it

although now ive learnt to speak my mind without being offensive.

and ive given up my familys dream for me. and you cannot even imagine how GOOD that feels

im not that girl that's gonna get married

live in this small town

and work a 9-5

i want to travel and see places and work doing something i love everyday

i don't want to worry about money or marriage or being responsible for anyone elses happiness but my own

i spent my whole life worrying about what everyone thought of me even when i ran off to whistler, mammoth, Banff, lake louise wherever i always worried about who i was hurting in my family who i was letting down

but my mom was never let down. she loved me unconditionally no matter what a fucked up mess i was

so fuck family expectations i mean that in the most loving way possible i love my family so dearly but this is my life

i might not work at a bank or be a doctor

i am so stoked to work in a skate shop i loved spending my days waxing snowboards and merchandising and dressing kooks that didn't skate but wanted to look like it aha i loved that job and im stoked to do it again

i might not be making 100 grand a year but im set up my mom made sure of that so fuck money

im living my life to be happy that's in the mountains, on my snowboard, downtown Calgary, with my best friend Ashley and my boo by my side.

 

it sucks to say this but if my family cant get behind me on that

then im done fighting to impress them

 

i saw something tonight for the second time and this person said don't stop doing something ever... and im not getting into what it was or what was said but it just stoked me out

im gonna live my life and its gonna be fuckin rad

i don't skate but im gonna snowboard till i cant no more and when i move down south im gonna surf everyday even if its shit

that's the life ive always lived you cant put me into the same box my mom was in i cant be her she was way too good and way too strong and way too everything

just because i look like her doesn't mean i am her

doesn't mean i can be her

 

im so stoked for the future... this one little speech got me stoked.

im not drowning anymore im not treading water

im paddling out

because in order surf the largest waves one must first lose sight of the shore

that's my mission

big waves

gnarly life