sober

what is it to be sober

and what does it include

obviously there are alcoholics, drug addicts

but what about eating disorders?

can you be sober from an eating disorder

or are you just cured of one?

because i can promise you that an eating disorder is like a drug addiction in the sense that it takes work to remain clean of it

one does not simply decide "i am not gonna purge anymore"

its not that easy

and what does a person with an eating disorder look like?

because i dont have track marks up my arms or because I am not underweight or because i dont have sores or because my ribs don't show when I stand up straight.. does that mean i am not suffering?

for years for literally years

ive struggled with an eating disorder.

I hate what I see everytime I look in the mirror

i get told i look pretty everyday

that I have beautiful eyes, skin, that im sexy even

great ass great tits

damn girl

vomit

but i purge, restrict.. i have a scale in my kitchen and i weigh myself every morning and every night

I track what i eat to how much mustard i put on a sandwhich

if i gain two pounds from morning to night I look back on what ive eaten and try to determine what it was that made me gain that weight

when in reality its water weight.. its water weight and I know this but try telling that to an overactive brain at 4 in the morning who can only think about how her thighs touch

and then theres the drinking that goes along with an eating disorder... which adds to weight gain

bloated tummy

not sexy

not good enough

not skinny enough

and its not even about that. I swear its not about the weight on my scale

its about control and how much im lacking control of my life at 28

i don't control my trust fund

I have to ask for my money to pay my rent

I have to act like a good girl

mature

polite

dont talk too loud

don't talk too much

"Cant tell tehren anything"

what I put into my body is MY CHOICE

my control

and im not dumb or blind i know what I look like

look at me "you def do not have an eating disorder your thighs touch"

you eat your not suffering

snap out of it

snap out of it

snap the fuck out of it

3 in the morning running for soda crackers because my tummy is aching and i cant sleep

throwing up bile until you cant control it and it just comes

best core work out ive ever had

your not depressed its situational

stop purging and your situation will improve

people are clueless
"you are looking really good tehren"
"how much weight have you lost you are so lucky"
"i wish i had your motivation"
"i wish i could stick to a diet"
"damn tehr"

im disgusting.