on rushing into things with my eyes closed

I have got to be the most impatient person in the history of ever. ive been home from calgary for 2 days and in those two days I have done nothing... really though. tomorrow I move to Calgary with a moving company and i haven't cleaned or packed ANYTHING yet because i have been so busy trying to do other things.

 

its ridiculous.

 

I always put myself into situations where im crunched for time and while patience is a virtue thats the one thing ive always lacked. today i have to confirm my moving company, book my plane ticket so i can move to calgary with my cat, get in touch with the condo board so i can book the elevator for tomorrow for the moving company, oh by a pet carrier so i can fly with my pets, and banking I have a lot of banking OH and I have to call my current landlord and tell him im moving tomorrow and that he needs to come and get next months rent from me today... shit. so much to do so little time ahaha.

oh god cant forget to get my internet and cable moved
get my forwarding address hooked up for my mail
annnnnddd call to get electricity hooked up.  

 

not to mention i have to pack my entire house.

entireeeeee house.

yep

plus I have to be here for 2:30 pm because someone is coming to pick up my bird....

 

and i have to pack my entire house

 

I have a feeling a lot of stuff is getting thrown out.

 

I don't really have a slow down button I don't like planning I just do it all at once... usually that bites me in the ass so hopefully this time it wont. oh jesus ahaha



tattoos.

I demand your strength,

I will not let you be less!

YOU ARE ALWAYS MORE..

 

ive been looking at tattoos lately

mainly a memorial one for my mom

she hated tattoos aha like despised them

and yet here I am looking to immortalize her forever in a form of art that she hated

I love it aha

my mom called me her "little bitch" out of love it was her nickname for me because I had super firey temper and I was a lippy kid

so that would completely be the "little bitch" thing to do.

shes probably hating the idea and standing behind me as I type this cursing my future aha

but whatever

"hi madre"

anyways ive been thinking of designs.

I wanted something in her handwriting, she always wrote me notes and really awesome meaningful emails and birthday cards and one thing she always told me was "i will not let you be a puddle" as in I will not let you sit and wallow in your grief, she reminded me that puddles were made to be splashed in and not bathed in.

then I was also thinking of getting her birthday in Ukrainian on the back of my neck

or the "Diana" constellation on my ribs. her name was diane and she was a warrior I tell yah aha

or personalize a mandala as my mom was into that spiritual shit in the end

I don't know

tattoos are funny

I never wanted them and now that I have a few small ones I want more.

nothing crazy and obviously easily hidden because despite my fuck you attitude im still pretty conservative

I just know I want one.

I miss her somedays

well everyday

 

 

 

 



just need to write

man its been a rough rough rough two years.

i spent the majority of the past two years treading water

just when i thought i was close to the shore and could put my feet down and stand that rip tide would just yank me back out deep.

 

I stayed in a really toxic relationship with chilly for longer then I needed too.. and I used to say he was a shit boyfriend and yah he cheated and that's never okay but I chose to stay. I put up with it. and honestly despite the cheating and the shit that caused it was a good friendship.. he taught me more then anything and I know he loved me in his own little way. I have thousands of texts from him still that I cant delete and pictures and videos and emails and his shirt that I sleep in and man his legacy is huge so I just have google chilly miller theres more...he gave me the greatest gift and I will always always be thankful for that. his death was hard because it was sudden I remember the fight we had the night he died our last conversation he had this way of bringing me back in and even though we knew we couldn't be together we had a huge amount of chemistry and our fights were passionate our love was passionate.. our love was passionate.. and that last night i got that last love you and then found out he died 24 hours later. its rough but i don't really dwell as much on it anymore i cant because his death is that riptide and im not a strong swimmer not when it comes to him 

 

my moms death was a lot harder.. she wouldn't let me come home when she was going through treatments my family says because i stressed her out my step dad said it was because she didn't want me to sit and watch her die because were so close.. i don't know who to believe it breaks my heart because my mom and i were best friends and so close. shes been that real support since i was born she  never left my side and i never left hers. but her death was hard.. i found out she had cancer the night of January 29 2013 that's the day before my birthday i had just moved out to lake louise to start a snowboarding adventure and i was celebrating my birthday that night i remember i found out she had cancer and i got black out drunk.. ended up in one of the guests beds at the hostel i worked at we didn't do anything but yah that night was a mess that year was a self destructive year i tried to hold it together but im sure i cried everyday and when my mom and step dad came out to visit me in august of that year the cancer had unknowingly spread to her brain and it was bad she couldn't remember anything she wasn't my mom but you could see her fighting to be normal to hold it together she was on oxygen then and had to be rushed home to the hospital because the tumor was pressing on a part of her brain thankfully she got radiation and that extended her life for another 3 months. well 2 and bit months. watching my mom die, seeing the life slip out of her, watching her try to breathe and not be able to... everyone says it was so peaceful and maybe it was but seeing someone so strong slip away like that wasn't peaceful to me i was screaming inside and begging god to just stop it and then it stopped and we had an hour before the dr came and pronounced her dead i remember her hands were always so cold always even before the cancer and i just remember sitting there with her in my private time with her body before she left and just holding her hands willing them to get warm she looked asleep not dead anyways that was that. i didn't get time to grieve i had to move out the next day and spent a month with my aunt and uncle and little cousins i couldn't cry around them because they are little kids and you don't do that to kids. and then i moved into my house and started working exactly a month after she died, while my step dad grieved and my brother grieved i worked and i pushed myself to get out of bed to not cry to not care to not fight to not scream

to live.

 

and then this summer rolled around and i started to die.

I was ready to drown a few times

stared death down literally almost died September 19th because of some gnarly choices and was ready too

i remember feeling my heart slow down it was beating so hard but so slow

and i was trying to walk and it felt like my legs were shin deep in mud

and i thought damn it im gonna die on my grandmas driveway

i don't remember anything after that until i woke up in the hospital the next day

spent 19 days in the hospital

for the record i technically had a heart attack

and i spent those 19 days being over medicated and pushed to recover

 

and i recovered. although that's been a fight

i forgot who i was for a long time... everything was taken from me when chilly died and then my mom

everything.

but i gained a lot

i took care of myself for the first time paid all my own bills and had a good job and was quiet and kept my mouth shut and didn't fight and didn't yell and didn't hurt anyone

i behaved

 

but that's not me. im a quiet chick always have been (unless your my best friends aha ash and Noelle know different)

but im a scrappy little thing i fight for what i want, i don't like being censored i say what i want and i don't give a shit who takes offense to it

although now ive learnt to speak my mind without being offensive.

and ive given up my familys dream for me. and you cannot even imagine how GOOD that feels

im not that girl that's gonna get married

live in this small town

and work a 9-5

i want to travel and see places and work doing something i love everyday

i don't want to worry about money or marriage or being responsible for anyone elses happiness but my own

i spent my whole life worrying about what everyone thought of me even when i ran off to whistler, mammoth, Banff, lake louise wherever i always worried about who i was hurting in my family who i was letting down

but my mom was never let down. she loved me unconditionally no matter what a fucked up mess i was

so fuck family expectations i mean that in the most loving way possible i love my family so dearly but this is my life

i might not work at a bank or be a doctor

i am so stoked to work in a skate shop i loved spending my days waxing snowboards and merchandising and dressing kooks that didn't skate but wanted to look like it aha i loved that job and im stoked to do it again

i might not be making 100 grand a year but im set up my mom made sure of that so fuck money

im living my life to be happy that's in the mountains, on my snowboard, downtown Calgary, with my best friend Ashley and my boo by my side.

 

it sucks to say this but if my family cant get behind me on that

then im done fighting to impress them

 

i saw something tonight for the second time and this person said don't stop doing something ever... and im not getting into what it was or what was said but it just stoked me out

im gonna live my life and its gonna be fuckin rad

i don't skate but im gonna snowboard till i cant no more and when i move down south im gonna surf everyday even if its shit

that's the life ive always lived you cant put me into the same box my mom was in i cant be her she was way too good and way too strong and way too everything

just because i look like her doesn't mean i am her

doesn't mean i can be her

 

im so stoked for the future... this one little speech got me stoked.

im not drowning anymore im not treading water

im paddling out

because in order surf the largest waves one must first lose sight of the shore

that's my mission

big waves

gnarly life

 

 

 



To the future

Im pretty lucky - i actually cant believe today turned out the way it did. My new home is in a really great part of the city and its gorgeous hardwood floors new kitchen lots of storage right off of 17th mountain views oooph my heart aches im so stoked 2 minute walk to work this is awesome and my job!! Oh my job!! I get to travel and meet new companies and work in an industry im super passionate about i love the snowboard culture and im super stoked to get to learn more about the skate industry and mold them together to form this awesome locally owned shop! Also helps that i will finally be in the same city as my best friend and that alone is enough motivation to get me out there! Things are changing for the good and i am super excited for it all!! 

existential path to self discovery.

I got really bummed out last night. One minute I was talking to my boo and the next thing I was getting hate thrown at me from every direction from spiteful little girls. and honestly I dont even know them, haven't ever said one word to them, and i don't even know how they know about me but they started some shit over a dude who honestly..im not even gonna waste time on that here because whatever I know my truth he knows his and they are just speed bumps i guess.

 

anyways I got really bummed out because I think its so lame when chicks hate on other chicks specially over some dude. that is the most immature childish thing ever. and it just goes to show how insecure and frankly pathetic these girls are.

 

I got upset because i shouldn't have to worry about 18 year olds messaging me. about something that is really none of their business and frankly on their side none of my business. I don't want to log onto something especially a site or a social media platform that i use for business now and get hate from chicks who have nothing better to do with their lives. its frustrating at how someone who you think has so much potential would associate himself with little girls who are seriously so full of drama that their actions could cause someone else to lash out at him which in turn would effect his business outcome. and that sucks. because hes worked really hard for all that.

 

woke up this morning to texts from my two best friends telling me that these hurtin chicks dont even matter, and that they love me. and woke up to texts from boo telling me how proud he is of the way my future is turning out and thats all I need.

 

i don't need the drama to validate my life.

im grown im mature and i know who i am

im sorry you dont.

hopefully one day soon you figure your shit out and hopefully you don't drag him down in the process of finding yourself.

 

im not even about that mean girl trip

you can keep that hoodrat uneducated attitude.

peace. 

trigger warnings - i am the farthest thing from a feminist

so this blog post is in response to all the sam pepper and other youtube rape and abuse allegations/cases. I will never blame the victim and I support everyone and believe everyone until their accounts have been proven false anyways

 

so lets talk about sam peppers video where he grabs womens asses without their consent because its a prank.. consent aint no big thang when theres a camera involved. there have been issues raised around the video itself and around discussions about the video and so I thought I would dive into those a little bit.

 

1 - street harassment this shit fucking gets me because I am just sooooo sick of it.. straight up its not a compliment... I can take a compliment I love a good compliment "damn tehren you look good today did you wash your hair?" primo compliment or even "hey tehren those jeans don't make your ass look fat way to go girl" now on the other side "babe I love your tits" isn't a compliment they are good tits I know they are but that's not something I want to hear from anyone other then my boyfriend. when  you look over at your friend and then look at me and say "i would... " like fuck that of course you would im a babe.. still not a compliment that's a fact homeboy and lastly grabbing my ass isn't a compliment its harassment. and fun fact these lame "compliments" don't come from a mans need to compliment a beautiful ahem lady aha but it comes from a sense of entitlement that men feel they have over womens bodies. they feel they have the right to compliment on our faces, our bodys, the way we walk, our blow job lips and our fuck me eyes. its an exercise in control if a man drives past a girl and shouts something obscene at her there is nothing she can do about it and they know that.

 

girls want to laugh this off out of fear we know that giving you that smile of approval will make you feel like you achieved something were being submissive and taking your shit so you wont threaten us or abuse us. if you see a girl smiling through street harassment you should probably know that its a defense mechanism and not her way of saying she loves it.

 

the main reason that street harassment pisses me off so much is that its a pure example of male entitlement

 

2 -  secondly is the "both sides of the story" bullshit that people are spurting out saying we should actually listen to this prank wankers [sam pepper] reasoning - real quick id like to point out if that video was really a social experiment like he claims it was its just real weird and convenient that he forgot to put "1 out of 3" on the first video.. seems like an awfully messy pr cover up but I donno aha, but even worse then that is seeing the comments from other girls saying "we need to see his reasoning and try to understand everything behind it" like sexual assault is ever okay. or even worse was the comment "we need to truly understand why all abusers hurt their victims" uhhh the fuck? or the worse "was it maybe just a miscommunication were these girls overreacting to having their asses grabbed, being kissed without their consent being handcuffed to or groped in front of their significant others [all very popular sam pervert ahem pepper] videos

 

as for my rapist [I was 11 he was 17 and my babysitter] from what I got from his friends he was a very nice guy my brother would say so too and my mom def thought so because she left me alone with him to where after this account I locked myself in my room and called my grandma who drove down 45 minutes from her house to get me because I was so scared. the excuses were, he had broken up with his girlfriend three months earlier so he probably just really wanted sex, I was wearing a sports bra and was a flat chested CHILD so that probably added to his kink, later on my mom saiod "well if I had just said something instead of just locking myself in my room everytime he was around she would have done something" and as weird as this is... knowing all this shit doesn't really help the fact that my babysitter tried to rape me. doesn't get me over the fact that I lost my virginity shortly after that, doesn't change the fact that I don't view sex as anything more then a carnal act.. doesn't even change the fact that I cant have a normal relationship with men because I don't view them as anything more then the first one who hurt me

 

essentially I just don't give a fuck about an abusers perspective.

 

3 - and finally I want to discuss moral standings - its great to see all the backlash that everyones dealing out to sam pepper [and all the other youtubers that have come out as having raped children] yes go for it, get them off the internet they are scum get them off this earth im all for that but I cant help but notice that some people only get mad at injustice when its popular so im asking these people to take a stand more often and be consistent with your morals.  both publicly and privately if you know someone who is abusive stop associating yourself with them I don't care if its your brother your boyfriend or your best friend just stop. and if it can save a victim share your knowledge of this persons actions I love seeing a lot of blogs speaking up about harassment specially when a lot of you have huge audience of young females and males who will benefit a lot from this but it sucks to know that some rapists and abusers are still being accepted privately by there group of "youtube famous" friends... its disturbing

 

anywhere that's my speech sorry for the drawn out post.

k bye./

 

hutjrfhgjkdnifjdafkljkerfa

keyboard pound for excitement

if you know me you know i am the quietest girl ever

i don't get overly excited i don't scream or yell

I dont really give a shit about anything

I have a resting bitch face constantly

but I just did a happy dance around my living room in front of my open window in just my panties and tank top because I got the best news ever

IM MOVING AT THE END OF THIS MONTH

yes yes yes

I am moving down south

out of the north country and into the land of short winters and mountains

i am beyond stoked.

I got my dream condo [thank you Ashley for looking at it for me] and its right off of the main party street in the city im moving too

mind you it will cost me 1500 a month but whatever girl hustles

ahhh im so excited to finally be settled I feel like I now have control of my life

i am not a small town girl anymore i am a big city girl

woohoo

ive been so caught up in a lot of shit lately

stress and heart attacks spending 19 days in the hospital

and losing too much weight too fast

falling in love with chelone and then having him die

and then seven months later my mom died

and fighting with boys who I just wanted to love on

then meeting another boy and he was bat shit crazy

and then reconnecting with this other boy and hes lovely but nothing can ever come of it

and now finally getting to hang out with this other one in cali the end of this week and he just blows my mind

everything feels good.

and safe

and solid.

im done jumping from resort town to resort town snowboarding

im ready to start my career

get my fashion shit handled

stoked to be working with some really awesome brands in the skate community and hopefully branching out to the snowboard community

and friends im stoked to be able to do yoga everyday with my best friend! or go for runs or drink tons of wine and play board games ahaha or walk our animals together ahaha

ahhjdskhfjaksf

everythings felt so out of place for so long and now it just doesnt.

it just doesn't.

im home im home im home

i couldnt have done it without a certain boy kicking my ass into gear babeh you have no idea how much inspiration you've given me