i would rather

 

I would rather pass my days lying in the middle of dirt roads staring at the full moon with a bottle of liquor in my hands. I would rather have kids when it suits me not when the world expects me to or throws out "shoulds" I would rather live in a hammock on a beach for 6 months and write my souls story them make 40 grand a year and be comfy I would rather be horribly broke at times, than married to a job because a mortgage payment has my ass on a hook. I would rather own moments, than investments. I would rather eat alone, than sit with women who bore me at “Wives’ Night.” I would rather swim naked with bioluminescence, have it fall like fireflies from my hair, my breasts, my back. I would rather do handstands naked in the moonlight when no one’s watching than pick bridesmaid dresses. I would rather drink seven year old rum from a sandy bottle, smell of smoke and ash than sit in church. I would rather learn from life than rack up debt, in a desk. I would rather drink the ocean, again and again—celebrate being madly alive. I would rather my love be defined by love itself, and nothing more or less. I don’t need a ring on my finger to prove that I am in love. I would rather take the chicken bus, than spend useless money in safe gated communities. Sit beside a goat, listen to raggaeton and eat green mango with sugar in a plastic bag sold from the woman who harasses the bus each time it stops. I do not need a degree to prove that I am intelligent. I do not need to own a piece of earth with some wood on top of it—to feel successful. No one truly owns the land, anyway—we just think we do. My savings account has diddly to do with my richness. I would rather sprawl my single ass out like a lioness each morning and enjoy each corner of my empty bed. I will take a job I love and freedom over a pension, any day. I will not work and work and work to live when my body is old and I am tired. Stocks are for people who get boners from money. Not everyone should have kids, and my eggs aren’t expiring. I will not drink the societal Kool-Aid on a bus, nor will I drink it on a train. Not on a plane, with a goat, in the rain, in the dark, in a tree, with a fox, in a box! I will not jump through societies’ hoops and red tape, the treasure hunt in the rat race we chase. If we must have milestones—mine will be measured by how much joy I have collected at the end of each day and how often in this life I have truly, deeply, opened. Seek, see, love, do.

Restless.

I am so fhajsdfhasj lately. i feel like my mind is pulling me in fifty different directions and my heart is pulling me after him. and i have to remind myself that I have this path im on and my focus has to be inward and self prospective and not based on anyone else right now. I don't know if it was because mercury was in retrograde or if it was the stress of the move or a combination of the both of those things but lately I have been so scrambled. I can barely keep my thoughts in line and have taken up carrying around my little notebook in my purse so i can write things down as they come to mind.

 

nothing bad has really happened, i actually have found myself happier and more content with my life lately then I have in years so I dont know what the issue is.

 

i have to remind myself to slow down and breathe specially when my mind starts to run away on me.

anyways i dont know what else to say right now my head is spinning too fast to get out a decent thought aha will write more once it calms down

 

I need to start stabilizing my posts - think of a topic and write on that. or just write maybe I just need to write like I used to.



everyday I understand my purpose with greater clarity

 

 

I have always clung onto the feeling of security. with my mom it was the fact that I always had a home, a place to be, food, money, safety.. safety. i had someone who loved me unconditionally. with chelone it was the feeling of being desirable or being wanted, needed sometimes. the power i had over his emotions.. that was security to me.

 

its so messed up thinking about it now.

 

when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, it being already stage four and no cure in sight i started to grieve... not her but the loss of her.. which now im enlightened enough to know i was grieving my eventual loss of the security she granted me. four months after I found out she was dying, chelone died.. when he died my bottom fell out... i lost my ability to love. I closed off completely.. I never thought i would love again and more then that i felt that i was not worthy of love. 7 months after he passed away and my mom passed.. and my earth shattered. nothing made sense. who was I without my mom? i felt completely alone. thats the only way I can describe it.. I know i wasnt the only one grieving her loss but i felt it solely and completely on my own. and I struggled with that. eventually caving into my self destruction and wound up in the hospital for a good lengthy stay. i was ashamed of that.... but now im not.

 

i needed to break completely to begin to rebuild.

ive hated myself for the past almost three years. i hated how i wasn't driven, that i didnt know who i was, or what i wanted.

i hated that i thought my salvation lied in chelones love, in my moms love. because it really didnt... my salvation lies in my ability to love myself.

 

im no where near where i want to be, but im getting there. im studying my level one reiki as well as energy healing. i am going to yoga 5 times a week i practice mindful meditation daily... and ive let go of toxic relationships and friendships. fully. and that's been hard because i like to see the best in everyone and i like to help people which usually led me to being walked on and abused.

 

i want to help people

i want to give people peace

i want to continue to maintain my own peace

my heart is open

im allowing myself to be loved

i am loving

and i feel good

 

"have i always loved you, have i always known" 

i dont know where to start.

I havent really wrote anything in awhile

my mind has literally been in a million different places.

between work, and moving and finding more work and a new relationship and seeing my best friend daily and not sleeping enough everything has been hectic

but im starting to find my roots and my energy has balanced out so im here again.

hi

how have you been?

i moved to Calgary a week ago yesterday. I turned 29 on friday ooph.

i started schooling Monday to become a reiki master and energy healer. massage therapist and reflexologist will follow suit soon.

ever since i was little i was a nurturer

my mom always bought me baby dolls because i wanted to take care of something.

and all my life Ive mistaken that need to nurture for my want of a child a family that love.

and it isnt that all

Ive recently discovered that my need to nurture has come from a place of wanting to heal.

I don't want people to hurt.

to suffer

I want to help people

i always felt so out of sync with life when i was being hateful and hurtful and lately ive felt sooo calm, overwhelmed with the energy work ive been experiencing but calm.

my family wouldn't understand this

its all about medicine with them

go to the doctors, get a prescription, over medicate, don't feel, dont think, don't hurt.

thats the last thing  your spirit needs

you need to feel pain you need to grow through it

specially when it comes to depression or loss of a loved one.

you have to feel all that.

when chelone came out to see me in Banff he had a seizure. and he asked me to hold his toes... little did he know that, holding his toes is a reflexology method it helps the flow of positive energy from your root chakra to your crown chakra... i know he knew it helped his chi but its so much more.

i am a firm believer in physics I went to catholic schools my whole life and kind of poopoo'd the ideas of god healing.. i knew the world was too vast and brilliant to be created in 3 days.

i cant imagine the stars being born from anything but science

when chelone died, and when my mom died i struggled with the fact that they were such dynamic people that how can two people with such dynamic energy just cease to exist when I was taught through physics that energy cannot be created nor destroyed that's basic knowledge

this adventure through energy healing makes total sense to me through a scientific view.

i haven't been more content with my life and my journey until now

i know who I am

what my purpose is

and im content in it

i cant wait to continue to grow through it and eventually help people 

on rushing into things with my eyes closed

I have got to be the most impatient person in the history of ever. ive been home from calgary for 2 days and in those two days I have done nothing... really though. tomorrow I move to Calgary with a moving company and i haven't cleaned or packed ANYTHING yet because i have been so busy trying to do other things.

 

its ridiculous.

 

I always put myself into situations where im crunched for time and while patience is a virtue thats the one thing ive always lacked. today i have to confirm my moving company, book my plane ticket so i can move to calgary with my cat, get in touch with the condo board so i can book the elevator for tomorrow for the moving company, oh by a pet carrier so i can fly with my pets, and banking I have a lot of banking OH and I have to call my current landlord and tell him im moving tomorrow and that he needs to come and get next months rent from me today... shit. so much to do so little time ahaha.

oh god cant forget to get my internet and cable moved
get my forwarding address hooked up for my mail
annnnnddd call to get electricity hooked up.  

 

not to mention i have to pack my entire house.

entireeeeee house.

yep

plus I have to be here for 2:30 pm because someone is coming to pick up my bird....

 

and i have to pack my entire house

 

I have a feeling a lot of stuff is getting thrown out.

 

I don't really have a slow down button I don't like planning I just do it all at once... usually that bites me in the ass so hopefully this time it wont. oh jesus ahaha



tattoos.

I demand your strength,

I will not let you be less!

YOU ARE ALWAYS MORE..

 

ive been looking at tattoos lately

mainly a memorial one for my mom

she hated tattoos aha like despised them

and yet here I am looking to immortalize her forever in a form of art that she hated

I love it aha

my mom called me her "little bitch" out of love it was her nickname for me because I had super firey temper and I was a lippy kid

so that would completely be the "little bitch" thing to do.

shes probably hating the idea and standing behind me as I type this cursing my future aha

but whatever

"hi madre"

anyways ive been thinking of designs.

I wanted something in her handwriting, she always wrote me notes and really awesome meaningful emails and birthday cards and one thing she always told me was "i will not let you be a puddle" as in I will not let you sit and wallow in your grief, she reminded me that puddles were made to be splashed in and not bathed in.

then I was also thinking of getting her birthday in Ukrainian on the back of my neck

or the "Diana" constellation on my ribs. her name was diane and she was a warrior I tell yah aha

or personalize a mandala as my mom was into that spiritual shit in the end

I don't know

tattoos are funny

I never wanted them and now that I have a few small ones I want more.

nothing crazy and obviously easily hidden because despite my fuck you attitude im still pretty conservative

I just know I want one.

I miss her somedays

well everyday

 

 

 

 



just need to write

man its been a rough rough rough two years.

i spent the majority of the past two years treading water

just when i thought i was close to the shore and could put my feet down and stand that rip tide would just yank me back out deep.

 

I stayed in a really toxic relationship with chilly for longer then I needed too.. and I used to say he was a shit boyfriend and yah he cheated and that's never okay but I chose to stay. I put up with it. and honestly despite the cheating and the shit that caused it was a good friendship.. he taught me more then anything and I know he loved me in his own little way. I have thousands of texts from him still that I cant delete and pictures and videos and emails and his shirt that I sleep in and man his legacy is huge so I just have google chilly miller theres more...he gave me the greatest gift and I will always always be thankful for that. his death was hard because it was sudden I remember the fight we had the night he died our last conversation he had this way of bringing me back in and even though we knew we couldn't be together we had a huge amount of chemistry and our fights were passionate our love was passionate.. our love was passionate.. and that last night i got that last love you and then found out he died 24 hours later. its rough but i don't really dwell as much on it anymore i cant because his death is that riptide and im not a strong swimmer not when it comes to him 

 

my moms death was a lot harder.. she wouldn't let me come home when she was going through treatments my family says because i stressed her out my step dad said it was because she didn't want me to sit and watch her die because were so close.. i don't know who to believe it breaks my heart because my mom and i were best friends and so close. shes been that real support since i was born she  never left my side and i never left hers. but her death was hard.. i found out she had cancer the night of January 29 2013 that's the day before my birthday i had just moved out to lake louise to start a snowboarding adventure and i was celebrating my birthday that night i remember i found out she had cancer and i got black out drunk.. ended up in one of the guests beds at the hostel i worked at we didn't do anything but yah that night was a mess that year was a self destructive year i tried to hold it together but im sure i cried everyday and when my mom and step dad came out to visit me in august of that year the cancer had unknowingly spread to her brain and it was bad she couldn't remember anything she wasn't my mom but you could see her fighting to be normal to hold it together she was on oxygen then and had to be rushed home to the hospital because the tumor was pressing on a part of her brain thankfully she got radiation and that extended her life for another 3 months. well 2 and bit months. watching my mom die, seeing the life slip out of her, watching her try to breathe and not be able to... everyone says it was so peaceful and maybe it was but seeing someone so strong slip away like that wasn't peaceful to me i was screaming inside and begging god to just stop it and then it stopped and we had an hour before the dr came and pronounced her dead i remember her hands were always so cold always even before the cancer and i just remember sitting there with her in my private time with her body before she left and just holding her hands willing them to get warm she looked asleep not dead anyways that was that. i didn't get time to grieve i had to move out the next day and spent a month with my aunt and uncle and little cousins i couldn't cry around them because they are little kids and you don't do that to kids. and then i moved into my house and started working exactly a month after she died, while my step dad grieved and my brother grieved i worked and i pushed myself to get out of bed to not cry to not care to not fight to not scream

to live.

 

and then this summer rolled around and i started to die.

I was ready to drown a few times

stared death down literally almost died September 19th because of some gnarly choices and was ready too

i remember feeling my heart slow down it was beating so hard but so slow

and i was trying to walk and it felt like my legs were shin deep in mud

and i thought damn it im gonna die on my grandmas driveway

i don't remember anything after that until i woke up in the hospital the next day

spent 19 days in the hospital

for the record i technically had a heart attack

and i spent those 19 days being over medicated and pushed to recover

 

and i recovered. although that's been a fight

i forgot who i was for a long time... everything was taken from me when chilly died and then my mom

everything.

but i gained a lot

i took care of myself for the first time paid all my own bills and had a good job and was quiet and kept my mouth shut and didn't fight and didn't yell and didn't hurt anyone

i behaved

 

but that's not me. im a quiet chick always have been (unless your my best friends aha ash and Noelle know different)

but im a scrappy little thing i fight for what i want, i don't like being censored i say what i want and i don't give a shit who takes offense to it

although now ive learnt to speak my mind without being offensive.

and ive given up my familys dream for me. and you cannot even imagine how GOOD that feels

im not that girl that's gonna get married

live in this small town

and work a 9-5

i want to travel and see places and work doing something i love everyday

i don't want to worry about money or marriage or being responsible for anyone elses happiness but my own

i spent my whole life worrying about what everyone thought of me even when i ran off to whistler, mammoth, Banff, lake louise wherever i always worried about who i was hurting in my family who i was letting down

but my mom was never let down. she loved me unconditionally no matter what a fucked up mess i was

so fuck family expectations i mean that in the most loving way possible i love my family so dearly but this is my life

i might not work at a bank or be a doctor

i am so stoked to work in a skate shop i loved spending my days waxing snowboards and merchandising and dressing kooks that didn't skate but wanted to look like it aha i loved that job and im stoked to do it again

i might not be making 100 grand a year but im set up my mom made sure of that so fuck money

im living my life to be happy that's in the mountains, on my snowboard, downtown Calgary, with my best friend Ashley and my boo by my side.

 

it sucks to say this but if my family cant get behind me on that

then im done fighting to impress them

 

i saw something tonight for the second time and this person said don't stop doing something ever... and im not getting into what it was or what was said but it just stoked me out

im gonna live my life and its gonna be fuckin rad

i don't skate but im gonna snowboard till i cant no more and when i move down south im gonna surf everyday even if its shit

that's the life ive always lived you cant put me into the same box my mom was in i cant be her she was way too good and way too strong and way too everything

just because i look like her doesn't mean i am her

doesn't mean i can be her

 

im so stoked for the future... this one little speech got me stoked.

im not drowning anymore im not treading water

im paddling out

because in order surf the largest waves one must first lose sight of the shore

that's my mission

big waves

gnarly life

 

 

 



To the future

Im pretty lucky - i actually cant believe today turned out the way it did. My new home is in a really great part of the city and its gorgeous hardwood floors new kitchen lots of storage right off of 17th mountain views oooph my heart aches im so stoked 2 minute walk to work this is awesome and my job!! Oh my job!! I get to travel and meet new companies and work in an industry im super passionate about i love the snowboard culture and im super stoked to get to learn more about the skate industry and mold them together to form this awesome locally owned shop! Also helps that i will finally be in the same city as my best friend and that alone is enough motivation to get me out there! Things are changing for the good and i am super excited for it all!! 

existential path to self discovery.

I got really bummed out last night. One minute I was talking to my boo and the next thing I was getting hate thrown at me from every direction from spiteful little girls. and honestly I dont even know them, haven't ever said one word to them, and i don't even know how they know about me but they started some shit over a dude who honestly..im not even gonna waste time on that here because whatever I know my truth he knows his and they are just speed bumps i guess.

 

anyways I got really bummed out because I think its so lame when chicks hate on other chicks specially over some dude. that is the most immature childish thing ever. and it just goes to show how insecure and frankly pathetic these girls are.

 

I got upset because i shouldn't have to worry about 18 year olds messaging me. about something that is really none of their business and frankly on their side none of my business. I don't want to log onto something especially a site or a social media platform that i use for business now and get hate from chicks who have nothing better to do with their lives. its frustrating at how someone who you think has so much potential would associate himself with little girls who are seriously so full of drama that their actions could cause someone else to lash out at him which in turn would effect his business outcome. and that sucks. because hes worked really hard for all that.

 

woke up this morning to texts from my two best friends telling me that these hurtin chicks dont even matter, and that they love me. and woke up to texts from boo telling me how proud he is of the way my future is turning out and thats all I need.

 

i don't need the drama to validate my life.

im grown im mature and i know who i am

im sorry you dont.

hopefully one day soon you figure your shit out and hopefully you don't drag him down in the process of finding yourself.

 

im not even about that mean girl trip

you can keep that hoodrat uneducated attitude.

peace. 

trigger warnings - i am the farthest thing from a feminist

so this blog post is in response to all the sam pepper and other youtube rape and abuse allegations/cases. I will never blame the victim and I support everyone and believe everyone until their accounts have been proven false anyways

 

so lets talk about sam peppers video where he grabs womens asses without their consent because its a prank.. consent aint no big thang when theres a camera involved. there have been issues raised around the video itself and around discussions about the video and so I thought I would dive into those a little bit.

 

1 - street harassment this shit fucking gets me because I am just sooooo sick of it.. straight up its not a compliment... I can take a compliment I love a good compliment "damn tehren you look good today did you wash your hair?" primo compliment or even "hey tehren those jeans don't make your ass look fat way to go girl" now on the other side "babe I love your tits" isn't a compliment they are good tits I know they are but that's not something I want to hear from anyone other then my boyfriend. when  you look over at your friend and then look at me and say "i would... " like fuck that of course you would im a babe.. still not a compliment that's a fact homeboy and lastly grabbing my ass isn't a compliment its harassment. and fun fact these lame "compliments" don't come from a mans need to compliment a beautiful ahem lady aha but it comes from a sense of entitlement that men feel they have over womens bodies. they feel they have the right to compliment on our faces, our bodys, the way we walk, our blow job lips and our fuck me eyes. its an exercise in control if a man drives past a girl and shouts something obscene at her there is nothing she can do about it and they know that.

 

girls want to laugh this off out of fear we know that giving you that smile of approval will make you feel like you achieved something were being submissive and taking your shit so you wont threaten us or abuse us. if you see a girl smiling through street harassment you should probably know that its a defense mechanism and not her way of saying she loves it.

 

the main reason that street harassment pisses me off so much is that its a pure example of male entitlement

 

2 -  secondly is the "both sides of the story" bullshit that people are spurting out saying we should actually listen to this prank wankers [sam pepper] reasoning - real quick id like to point out if that video was really a social experiment like he claims it was its just real weird and convenient that he forgot to put "1 out of 3" on the first video.. seems like an awfully messy pr cover up but I donno aha, but even worse then that is seeing the comments from other girls saying "we need to see his reasoning and try to understand everything behind it" like sexual assault is ever okay. or even worse was the comment "we need to truly understand why all abusers hurt their victims" uhhh the fuck? or the worse "was it maybe just a miscommunication were these girls overreacting to having their asses grabbed, being kissed without their consent being handcuffed to or groped in front of their significant others [all very popular sam pervert ahem pepper] videos

 

as for my rapist [I was 11 he was 17 and my babysitter] from what I got from his friends he was a very nice guy my brother would say so too and my mom def thought so because she left me alone with him to where after this account I locked myself in my room and called my grandma who drove down 45 minutes from her house to get me because I was so scared. the excuses were, he had broken up with his girlfriend three months earlier so he probably just really wanted sex, I was wearing a sports bra and was a flat chested CHILD so that probably added to his kink, later on my mom saiod "well if I had just said something instead of just locking myself in my room everytime he was around she would have done something" and as weird as this is... knowing all this shit doesn't really help the fact that my babysitter tried to rape me. doesn't get me over the fact that I lost my virginity shortly after that, doesn't change the fact that I don't view sex as anything more then a carnal act.. doesn't even change the fact that I cant have a normal relationship with men because I don't view them as anything more then the first one who hurt me

 

essentially I just don't give a fuck about an abusers perspective.

 

3 - and finally I want to discuss moral standings - its great to see all the backlash that everyones dealing out to sam pepper [and all the other youtubers that have come out as having raped children] yes go for it, get them off the internet they are scum get them off this earth im all for that but I cant help but notice that some people only get mad at injustice when its popular so im asking these people to take a stand more often and be consistent with your morals.  both publicly and privately if you know someone who is abusive stop associating yourself with them I don't care if its your brother your boyfriend or your best friend just stop. and if it can save a victim share your knowledge of this persons actions I love seeing a lot of blogs speaking up about harassment specially when a lot of you have huge audience of young females and males who will benefit a lot from this but it sucks to know that some rapists and abusers are still being accepted privately by there group of "youtube famous" friends... its disturbing

 

anywhere that's my speech sorry for the drawn out post.

k bye./

 

hutjrfhgjkdnifjdafkljkerfa

keyboard pound for excitement

if you know me you know i am the quietest girl ever

i don't get overly excited i don't scream or yell

I dont really give a shit about anything

I have a resting bitch face constantly

but I just did a happy dance around my living room in front of my open window in just my panties and tank top because I got the best news ever

IM MOVING AT THE END OF THIS MONTH

yes yes yes

I am moving down south

out of the north country and into the land of short winters and mountains

i am beyond stoked.

I got my dream condo [thank you Ashley for looking at it for me] and its right off of the main party street in the city im moving too

mind you it will cost me 1500 a month but whatever girl hustles

ahhh im so excited to finally be settled I feel like I now have control of my life

i am not a small town girl anymore i am a big city girl

woohoo

ive been so caught up in a lot of shit lately

stress and heart attacks spending 19 days in the hospital

and losing too much weight too fast

falling in love with chelone and then having him die

and then seven months later my mom died

and fighting with boys who I just wanted to love on

then meeting another boy and he was bat shit crazy

and then reconnecting with this other boy and hes lovely but nothing can ever come of it

and now finally getting to hang out with this other one in cali the end of this week and he just blows my mind

everything feels good.

and safe

and solid.

im done jumping from resort town to resort town snowboarding

im ready to start my career

get my fashion shit handled

stoked to be working with some really awesome brands in the skate community and hopefully branching out to the snowboard community

and friends im stoked to be able to do yoga everyday with my best friend! or go for runs or drink tons of wine and play board games ahaha or walk our animals together ahaha

ahhjdskhfjaksf

everythings felt so out of place for so long and now it just doesnt.

it just doesn't.

im home im home im home

i couldnt have done it without a certain boy kicking my ass into gear babeh you have no idea how much inspiration you've given me 

sober

what is it to be sober

and what does it include

obviously there are alcoholics, drug addicts

but what about eating disorders?

can you be sober from an eating disorder

or are you just cured of one?

because i can promise you that an eating disorder is like a drug addiction in the sense that it takes work to remain clean of it

one does not simply decide "i am not gonna purge anymore"

its not that easy

and what does a person with an eating disorder look like?

because i dont have track marks up my arms or because I am not underweight or because i dont have sores or because my ribs don't show when I stand up straight.. does that mean i am not suffering?

for years for literally years

ive struggled with an eating disorder.

I hate what I see everytime I look in the mirror

i get told i look pretty everyday

that I have beautiful eyes, skin, that im sexy even

great ass great tits

damn girl

vomit

but i purge, restrict.. i have a scale in my kitchen and i weigh myself every morning and every night

I track what i eat to how much mustard i put on a sandwhich

if i gain two pounds from morning to night I look back on what ive eaten and try to determine what it was that made me gain that weight

when in reality its water weight.. its water weight and I know this but try telling that to an overactive brain at 4 in the morning who can only think about how her thighs touch

and then theres the drinking that goes along with an eating disorder... which adds to weight gain

bloated tummy

not sexy

not good enough

not skinny enough

and its not even about that. I swear its not about the weight on my scale

its about control and how much im lacking control of my life at 28

i don't control my trust fund

I have to ask for my money to pay my rent

I have to act like a good girl

mature

polite

dont talk too loud

don't talk too much

"Cant tell tehren anything"

what I put into my body is MY CHOICE

my control

and im not dumb or blind i know what I look like

look at me "you def do not have an eating disorder your thighs touch"

you eat your not suffering

snap out of it

snap out of it

snap the fuck out of it

3 in the morning running for soda crackers because my tummy is aching and i cant sleep

throwing up bile until you cant control it and it just comes

best core work out ive ever had

your not depressed its situational

stop purging and your situation will improve

people are clueless
"you are looking really good tehren"
"how much weight have you lost you are so lucky"
"i wish i had your motivation"
"i wish i could stick to a diet"
"damn tehr"

im disgusting. 

this is a list

I haven't sat down and thought about it lately and I figure since I suck in maintaining or gaining or experiencing anything more then slight flirtation with the occasional sneaky kiss in the middle of the dance floor I have come to the conclusion that I must compile a list of why i would make a good girlfriend because right now i am not sure so bare with me... here we go

 

1 - i have hands and they are in working order with these hands I can hold your hands.. babe... aha I can rub your back when you are sore, I can fold laundry although I do not like doing that often so don't get your hopes up... i can even make you a sandwich with these hands but id be appreciative if you made me one once in awhile

 

2 - i have a very small mouth, which is good for a lot of things like I get a sore jaw when i talk to much so i don't like to do too much of that instead so no need to worry about interuptions while we are watching your favourite movie or while you are playing video games or while watching any game of any sport on tv [unless it is soccer because I get very loud then]

 

3 - i do not like bugs at all so you will never have to worry about me tricking you with a bug by putting one in your food or bed... but i will trick you other ways so that leads me to point 4

 

4 - I am an adventurist as in I like to adventure, weather that be in the mountains snowboarding down south surfing, or even just wandering down town looking at weird shops and buying knicker knacks that our little house doesnt really need but that we buy anyways because they have some mystical healing powers also i would likely drag you into the nearest tattoo shop for a quickie... you know a tattoo quickie get your mind out of the gutter

 

5 - but as for quickies I am a very sexual person i dont know where that comes from but i am no longer afraid to admit it I like sex. I find it to be fun and exciting and even more so when in a relationship [okay actually generally always in relationships because lets be serious you don't want to get naked for just anyone specially on a day after you've eaten too much and you have a food baby only someone who loves you will appreciate your food baby while banging you]

 

6 - i am not a feminist - that does not mean that i do not believe in equal rights and that women are lesser creatures It just means that I like to take care of my man, cook him dinner [i cant really cook but i will try] and you know do other things that make men feel manly.

 

7 - I am a firm believer in monogamy so i wont bang your best friend and parents love me because I will go to church with them and talk to them about the bible and frankly I really only know the bible because I read anything i can get my hands on so weather I go to church or not I can still make them believe their precious baby boy has finally found a good girl..hehe

 

8 - I am confident. you can have boys nights i wont care, you can go out alone i wont care, man you can shower by yourself I don't care I am confident that at the end of the night you will always be coming home to me because i know i am what you want

 

9 - and lastly ive got a great ass... just go with that



because im still in love with you - on this harvest moon

the best kind of nights

is watching someone you love sleep while your wrapped in a blanket next to them with neil youngs "harvest moon" playing and giant cup of tea

i swear the little things are the best

black out nights are fun but Id much rather wake up the next morning and not have to check my phone/fb/ig/twitter to make sure i didn't do anything stupid.

I do miss my crazy whistler nights

snowboarding partying hooking up with whoever suited me that night

but naw early nights with K are the best

makes me wish I hadn't started this whole adventure off the way I did

im sick of impulsivity and rushing head strong into everything

I want to settle

YEP I SAID IT

girl wants to settle

want a man

want a family

want a dog

I want that.

I want that stability Im sick of gnarly dudes

I am sooo sick of pointless relationships

seeing my best friend plan her marriage has me wanting and ready for that

I need to get over chelones death

and give someone else a chance

I want to fall recklessly in love and not be worried about him leaving, dying, cheating.
I want to support someone and hold someone down
and I want that returned you know
blegh don't know why im feeling all this right now
probably should just sleep aha

 



whats a love affair without a couple tears.

Dear - you the person who feels the need to flood my inbox with hateful messages about my "whatevership" with the guy  you are now content on being some useless side hoe too.

I feel sorry for you, and i will tell you why. While you're sitting there wrapped in your ugly insecurity, worrying about me and focusing on my life, I am enjoying my wonderful, happy and successful blossoming life. I wake up each morning knowing that I am loved so much so that you cannot fathom into reality, i go to work at an amazing job, and i get to travel whenever i want, I have a beautiful family.. i have friends that know me and im making new friends through this tragedy mending bridges that you are so content to keep tearing down.. . I am going places, places you will never see in a lifetime. so go on, sit there and be miserable about your pathetic life. Your pathetic "holiday" your pathetic non existent "relationship" which let me tell you wasnt even a relationship, and your pathetic so called "accomplishments" [i would list them but i dont want to give too much away you know who you are already], because to me you do not exist. Not today, not tomorrow, and not in this lifetime. You mean nothing to me. you will never be valued in society because you are disposable. useless. with no talent, no skill, nor the competence of being of any important value. so go on, keep checking up on me, because each time you do i will be one more step towards reaching my goals. and you? you'll be the same place you are now..no where.

i hope you find peace eventually, but i wont help you with that. and your hate wont hurt me. because your whatever you have with the man I love made you weak you prove that with your messages... i know mine made me strong.. through the anger and through the tears i came out on top..

Peace
Tehr

i can be a little bit up and a little bit down but it aint nothin new.

 

do you remember that night our last... night... the night you gave me the most beautiful gift ever... at that point in our relationship well it was over we both knew it and I hardly recognized myself anymore your gaze was fixated on the ceiling of the bedroom we shared "i remember the girl you used to be" you said and i was afraid because i thought you had killed that person, i was gone, dead even.. I replied rolling on top of you straddling your stomach gathering all my courage to meet your gaze "its time you look at what youve turned me into and accept that this is who i am.. Go on.. I dare you" challenge accepted right? You flipped me on my back and we laid there complete innosence and ignorance mixing we talked about our future that we knew would never come our little "fiona and willows" were tossed around i didnt think I would ever get that, I never thought the future would be without you ..

 

it was a year and 8 months yesterday since I lost you. im still counting days.